If you need to report a missing child or teenager, please contact:
Our Missing Children
www.ourmissingchildren.ca or your local RCMP detachment
Our Missing Children Society of Canada
www.mcsc.ca
Are you having trouble with your teenager(s)?
Regardless of the pressures parents or caregivers face when raising a teenager, it is not acceptable to
- Physically abuse a child
- Sexually abuse a child
- Deny a child adequate food or shelter
When struggling with raising a teenager, please remember the following:
- Teens face many pressures that adults don't take seriously. Their bodies are changing-they have to adjust to the new person they see in the mirror. They feel differently. They become interested in sex. Self-doubt is constant. They feel pressure to conform and fear ridicule if they don't.
- These changes can be bewildering, frightening and even depressing.
- Teens can have remarkable insights. But they also surprise us with their lack of good judgment.
- At the same time teenagers are crying out to be treated as adults, they also need a nurturing home, a refuge. And though they deny it passionately, they need structure, limits, lots of help sorting out their lives and most important, love.
- In the turbulence of growing up, it is important for us parents to remember (even if our teens seem to forget) that we love each other. In the end, that's what makes the whole struggle worthwhile.
- Teenagers who don't get what they need at home look elsewhere. Some run away from home. Many more consider other ways of running from pressure-a once bright and happy son escapes to drugs, a vivacious daughter starts drinking or gets pregnant.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD?
You may say, "My teenager wouldn't do that." Most don't. But even if yours wouldn't, think about the following questions:
- Where is your child right now?
- What are your teen's deepest fears?
- Who is your son's or daughter's best friend?
- Do your teen's friends feel welcome in your home?
- What kind of music, movies or books does your child like?
- What are the signs that your child may be taking drugs?
Remember, a strong relationship with your children is the best way for you to guide them and to prevent them from becoming a sorry statistic.
GETTING ALONG WITH YOUR TEEN
Here are some ideas and techniques you can try to improve your relationship with your teen. If they don't work at first, keep trying. They take practice.
1. Make time for your teen. Find an activity you enjoy doing together and pursue it. If your invitations are declined, keep asking.
2. Listen, really listen. Because parents have so much to do and so little time, we often try to listen while cleaning, washing dishes or fixing the car. Put your chores aside so your teen knows you're really paying attention.
3. Take the long view. Don't treat minor mishaps as major catastrophes. Choose the important issues. Don't make your home a battleground.
4. Tolerate differences. View your teenager as an in individual distinct from you. This doesn't mean you can't state your opinion if you disagree.
5. Respect your teenager's privacy. If a behavior is worrying you, speak up.
6. Let your teens sort things out themselves. Never say that you know how your teen feels. They believe their feelings, so new and personal, are unique. They'll learn otherwise-without your help. And never imply that their feelings don't matter or will change. Because teens live in the present, it doesn't matter that they'll soon feel differently.
7. Don't judge. State facts instead of opinions when you praise or criticize. Stating facts like "Your poem made me smile" or "This report card is all Cs and Ds!" leaves it up to your teen to draw the appropriate conclusions. Teens are sensitive about being judged-positively as well as negatively.
8. Be generous with praise. Praise your child's efforts, not just accomplishments. And don't comment on the person. "You're a great artist"' is hard to live up to. "I loved that drawing" is a fact and comes from your heart.
9. Set reasonable limits. Teens need them. Your rules should be consistently applied - and rooted in your deepest beliefs and values.
10. Teach your teen to make sensible decisions and choices by encouraging independence and letting your teenager make mistakes. Don't step in unless you have to.
DEALING WITH ANGER
All parents get furious at their children. We can't help it. But some parents feel bad about being angry and keep quiet. Though it's easy to say things in anger that you don't mean, anger can also spark talks that will help you and your teen get to know each other better.
Some guidelines:
- When you get mad, don't blame or accuse. Say how you FEEL--annoyed, irritated, upset, etc.--and why. Be specific. Talk facts. Blaming only forces a teen to argue his point, arouses tempers, and kills dialogue.
- Think solution, not victory. Don't try to win arguments.
- Stick to the present incident. Fighting old battles will only aggravate a situation.
- Be careful not to attack your teen's person or character. Say "I'm furious that you didn't clean up after the mess you made!" — not "You're a lazy slob!" Your son or daughter may give up trying to improve.
- If the situation is touchy, put your ideas in a letter. You can say exactly what you mean — and your teen will have time to think it over before answering.
- Ignoring problems won't make them go away.
SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS OUTSIDE HELP
- Suicidal talk of any kind. A suicidal teen may also give away valued possessions, make a will, talk about death or dying or say that his family would be better off without him.
- Recent changes in sleeping or eating habits, thinking patterns, personality, friendships, study habits, activities. A sudden unexplained end to a long depression often precedes a suicide attempt. Major weight loss can be a sign of bulimia or anorexia -- dangerous problems.
- A recent change in friends who you feel may be involved with drugs or alcohol may indicate that your child is having other problems.
- Drug or alcohol use. You might notice: irrational or irresponsible behavior, lying, secretiveness, severe mood swings, a sudden increase in accidents. A teen with a problem may have dilated pupils or wear sunglasses indoors, or complain about not sleeping or not feeling well.
- Valuables may disappear. You may find drug paraphernalia or alcohol containers around the house.
- Law-breaking behavior, even if the police and courts aren't involved. You might notice new possessions and money not accounted for.
- Poor self-image. Doubts are normal. But persistently low self-esteem is a problem.
- Serious depression. Listlessness, loneliness, withdrawal, difficulty making friends.
- Rebelliousness to the point of total, continual defiance.
- Problems at school, including class-cutting, absenteeism, a sudden drop in grades.
- Fears or anxieties that interfere with everyday activities.
- Problems between family members that aren't solved by listening and discussing. In fact, family changes such as a death, divorce or remarriage are times when teens often need some outside help.
